Exercise as a Tool

Photography by David Wall

I have always drunk alcoholically, and taken drugs compulsively, starting at the age of 16.

By the time I had turned 30 a demanding career and a heavy drinking habit had left me 5 to 10kg heavier than I wanted to be. People would tell me that I looked “fine” but “fine” wasn’t good enough. Might not sound like much of a problem, but I’ve always believed being overweight in the gay community meant being invisible and being invisible was a fate worse than death.

So, when I first started taking Meth, I thought I had found the answer to all my problems. I could work right through the night and carry on the next day. I could exercise for hours. Extra strength and power came from nowhere and I felt invincible. The fat melted away and I finally had the body I wanted.

The honeymoon period ultimately lasted only a few months, and over several years my life slowly disintegrated and completely imploded in 2017. I ended up in a dark and ugly place to which I never want to return.

Fast forward 3 years and I am now in recovery. I live with people in recovery. I am in my final year of a drug and alcohol addiction degree.

Exercise is at the very centre of my recovery. I exercise 6 days a week. I exercise to give myself a break from studying. I exercise to get out of the house. I exercise for the love/hate relationship I have with the feeling of stinging pain and resistance.  I go to GRIT classes. I sometimes go running, I sometimes go for walks up Mt Eden.  I run a weekly exercise group with people in early recovery.

I feel fit. People tell me I look healthy. That never used to happen. I set fitness goals and I stick to them. I hate to think where I would be now if I hadn’t chosen a life of recovery.